Self-doubt is a familiar state for all who put pieces of their inner lives into the outside world—that is, for all artists. - Maria Popova
I’ve been grappling a lot with self-doubt lately. And spending, or rather wasting, entirely too much time second-guessing myself. Writing isn’t exactly one of those things where you can let muscle memory take over, like you would with, say knitting or playing music, for example. Though I wish it was.
No matter how many years you’ve been writing or how good your previous work was, none of that is going to do the work for you. On top of that, it almost feels like self-doubt is baked into the entire writing process since you’re constantly trying to reach for a better word or a clearer way to get your point across. Should I cut this out? Am I sharing too much? Is this too introspective? Will people even care?
When writing’s a struggle, I try to lean on other people’s work, whether for inspiration or just a momentary escape from my anxiety-addled brain. I read through the slew of newsletters I’m subscribed to and often marvel at how other writers manage to stick to regular schedules and wonder what their processes involve. Do they write every day? Are they plagued with similar feelings of self-doubt? The routines of other writers have always been an endless source of fascination for me for this very reason. Apart from just a general curiosity about other people’s rituals, especially when it comes to their morning routines (and breakfast choices), there’s always the hope that one of them will accidentally spill the beans and divulge the ultimate secret to getting shit done. Of course, this is never the case and the reality of it is always much more sobering than I’d hoped. (Mostly amounting to: Just find a way to do the damn work.) Though this hasn’t stopped me from trawling for clues.
Aside from my favorite newsletters, another site I’ve found myself returning to a lot lately is Brain Pickings. For the unfamiliar, Brain Pickings is a blog run by Bulgarian writer Maria Popova where she shares an exhaustive wealth of annotated excerpts, passages, and quotes from well-known writers on a range of different topics that cover the full spectrum of the human condition. And this is where I recently found refuge.
The other day, while looking for a pithy quote for my letterboard to serve as inspiration for the week ahead, I came across Popova’s post on John Steinbeck and his own struggles with self-doubt. It turns out, Steinbeck kept a daily journal while working on The Grapes of Wrath to chronicle his process of writing the book. The practice ended up becoming integral to his work, both for self-discipline and as a sounding board. And it contains passages that I can only describe as deeply relatable.
On the importance of showing up, he wrote:
In writing, habit seems to be a much stronger force than either willpower or inspiration. Consequently there must be some little quality of fierceness until the habit pattern of a certain number of words is established. There is no possibility, in me at least, of saying, “I’ll do it if I feel like it.” One never feels like awaking day after day. In fact, given the smallest excuse, one will not work at all. The rest is nonsense. Perhaps there are people who can work that way, but I cannot. I must get my words down every day whether they are any good or not.
On imposter syndrome:
My many weaknesses are beginning to show their heads. I simply must get this thing out of my system. I’m not a writer. I’ve been fooling myself and other people. I wish I were. This success will ruin me as sure as hell. It probably won’t last, and that will be all right. I’ll try to go on with work now. Just a stint every day does it. I keep forgetting.
Here, he seems almost resigned to his perceived shortcomings but determined to push through:
“If only I could do this book properly it would be one of the really fine books and a truly American book. But I am assailed with my own ignorance and inability. I’ll just have to work from a background of these. Honesty. If I can keep an honesty it is all I can expect of my poor brain — never temper a word to a reader’s prejudice, but bend it like putty for his understanding.”
And this, a thought that has crossed most writers minds:
“If I can do that it will be all my lack of genius can produce. For no one else knows my lack of ability the way I do. I am pushing against it all the time. Sometimes, I seem to do a good little piece of work, but when it is done it slides into mediocrity.”
Though I’m not sure Steinbeck would’ve liked that his internal struggles would one day serve as fodder for a stranger’s emotional catharsis, the thought that a great writer like him was once also plagued by imposter syndrome was profoundly encouraging. Nothing feels better than coming across words, whether in a song or a book, that manage to capture exactly how you’re feeling at the precise moment you need it most. Not only does it help assuage your self-doubt and quiet what RuPaul calls the ‘inner saboteur’, but also helps you feel less alone.
So maybe it’s not about the rituals and routines, after all. It’s not about what time of day you should write or how many words you need to write every day, but how to do it despite the myriad feelings that come up that can sometimes make writing feel impossible. And how to push through in spite of it all, just like Steinbeck and countless others have.
This week’s recipe is ginataang kalabasa, or squash cooked in coconut milk. It’s deceptively simple and incredibly comforting. It’s a dish that feels like a hug, and one that comes together pretty quickly.
While the recipe I’m sharing contains bagoong/mam tom (fermented shrimp paste), you can easily leave it out to veganize it and it would still be good, just be sure to season judiciously. Lime leaves aren’t traditional but I use them here and feel like lemongrass would be a great addition too.
Ginataang kalabasa at talong
(Squash and eggplant in coconut milk)
Ingredients:
1/2 kabocha squash, peeled and cut into bite-sized chunks
1 Asian eggplant, chopped into one-inch cubes
1 onion, chopped
3-4 cloves of garlic, chopped
2 tbsp bagoong or mam tom
1 tbsp fish sauce
1 can of coconut milk
Lime leaves (optional)
Salt and pepper
Directions:
1. Sauté the onions and garlic in a tablespoon of oil over medium-low heat for a few minutes until soft, then add the bagoong or mam tom if using. Let cook for one minute before adding the eggplant.
2. Combine everything and add a big pinch of salt and let cook for a few minutes until the eggplant has browned in some spots.
3. Add the coconut milk, squash, and lime leaves and combine. Add half a cup of water and the fish sauce and stir to combine, and bring to a boil.
4. After it boils, lower the heat and cover the pan and let cook for around 15 minutes or until the squash is cooked through and soft, and the broth has taken on a yellowish hue and thickened. Make sure to keep checking on it in case it boils over, adjust the cover to let some steam out if needed.
5. Once the squash is cooked through and on the softer side, taste one more time for seasoning, add salt or a few more dashes of fish sauce, and some crushed black pepper and you’re good to go. Serve with freshly cooked rice and enjoy.
As always, thanks for reading.